There's a woodpecker going at it up the hill from the place me & the kiddo are renting.  It's a good sound in the distance.  Don't really want him in the front yard, or up on the fireplace insert like the crazy damn sapsucker used to do at the house on Friendly Street.  But in the distance while I'm chilling in bed thinking about the night before, that's just fine.  Had a good evening at the local dive bar, watching the Blazers come back to beat the Thunder after being down most of the 2nd half.  I'm in love with one of the barmaids there.  She's amazing, sporting a Tool t-shirt and glasses, taking no shit from the guys at the bar. I sat in bed and thought up a whole ton of stuff to actually write in this thing for the first time in ages, and now that I've got off my ass I can hardly remember a wit of it.

------- Thanks for stoppin' by. -Nick H.

beware the turds of July

Holy sheep shit, Batman!

Where to begin, where to begin...
You know the 'coming down' part of a trip where you're sorta tripping but also feel like you've getting the bends and nothing works quite right and there's not much point in tryin' 'cause you know it'll be half-assed and fucked up?  Well apparently I just woke from 8 years of that.

Hi, please to meet me.  Hope you enjoy myself.

I'd write more but I have to calculate how much my ex has to pay me for listening to some white trash Texan pussy talk her out of our relationship.  I'm sure it was pertinent and sage advice considering he was primarily concerned with getting into her panties at the time.  From my perspective, the amusing parts were the "I don't know how much longer I can do this" speeches I was getting during the same time period she was off fucking him.  Or trying to fuck him.  Supposedly it didn't work out so well.

Even better, I get slammed for not trusting her.  Well gee, I couldn't possibly imagine why, what with this being the 3rd time she's tried to puss out on a relationship by the  'cheat to piss him off into leaving method of ending a relationship without any effort.  But I'm told the first two don't count as those weren't in this last 13 year stretch and were decades ago when she was insensitive and naive.  As opposed to insulting, obfuscating and oblivious, so yeah definitely a lie of a different color altogether.

So yeah.  Sleep so I can keep packing my shit to get the fuck out of 'our' house.  Alas not out of her realm of existence as the soon-to-be 8 year old kid keeps us at least in similar orbits and probably will until the teen years.  She had no brothers and has no clue what she's in for as a single mom.  I'd lay good money that I get sole custody 5 or 6 years out of exasperation on her part.  She thought myself at in my 40's was unreasonable... hahahahahahha.

Sleeping pill & flexiril kicking in. .. that's my 10 minute warning.  Zzzzzxzx

------- Thanks for stoppin' by. -Nick H.

Ruled 'obscene' back in the '60s. Dunno why. ;P

Ruled 'obscene' back in the '60s. Dunno why. ;P

To Fuck With Love Phase III by Lenore Kandel

to fuck with love
to love with all the heat and wild of fuck

the fever of your mouth devouring all my secrets and my alibis

leaving me pure burned into oblivion

the sweetness UNENDURABLE

mouth barely touching mouth

nipple to nipple we touched

and were transfixed

by a flow of energy

beyond anything I have ever known

we TOUCHED!

and two days later

my hand embracing your semen-dripping cock

AGAIN!

the energy

indescribable

almost unendurable

the barrier of noumenon-phenomenon

transcended

the circle momentarily complete

the balance of forces

perfect

lying together, our bodies slipping into love

that never have slipped out

I kiss your shoulder and it reeks of lust

the lust of erotic angels fucking the stars

and shouting their insatiable joy over heaven

the lust of comets colliding in celestial hysteria

the lust of hermaphroditic deities doing

inconceivable things to each other and

SCREAMING DELIGHT over the entire universe

and beyond

and we lie together, our bodies wet and burning, and

we WEEP we WEEP we WEEP the incredible tears

that saints and holy men shed in the presence

of their own incandescent gods

I have whispered love into every orifice of your body

As you have done

to me

my whole body is turning into a cuntmouth

my toes my hands my belly my breast my shoulder my eyes

you fuck me continually with your tongue you look

with your words with your presence

we are transmuting

we are as soft and warm and trembling

as a new gold butterfly

the energy

indescribable

almost unendurable

at night sometimes I see our bodies glow-------Thanks for stoppin' by.-Nick H.

Honestly I'm at a loss as to where to begin on this clusterfuck. In truth, I guess I have to wait 'til everything pans out and all the doctors, lawyers and Indian chiefs have been sated/called off, etc. This has been over a year now. It's funny, they made me wait a year to get to this stage, and now expect me to hurry this next part up?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaha

Fuck me, but that hurt laughing that hard.

Details to follow, natch.

-------Thanks for stoppin' by.-Nick H.

Highs & Lowe's

Our fridge started making some scary noises a few nights ago. By the time the repair guy showed up, the freezer section was dead and the fridge part was on it's way. He pulled out a piece, tried a few things and pronounced it not only dead but not worth resuscitating. I asked him if he swap our portable for the crappy dishwasher that came with our house while he was at it. He said he no, and even if he could he'd recommend against it. Currently the cheapest portable available was about $500 and used ones regularly sell in town for $350 (college town). $350 is almost enough for a brand new installed dishwasher.

He seemed to be a pretty knowledgeable guy. Since he didn't have a vested interest in the answer, we asked where he'd recommend for appliances. He said Lowes was the cheapest in town. We fired up Consumer Reports on my lil' Android phone and off we went. It took awhile but we decided on a 'fridge and dishwasher and decided to spring for a gas range / stove to replace the ailing electric P.O.S. that we'd been hoping would die for the last 7 years! There was also a decent pricebreak on an extended service plane if ya bought 3 appliances, along with an assortment of rebates, a percentage off for starting a Lowe's card etc, probably about covered their installation fees.

First thing Friday, the new fridge arrived, as did the first snag, which I didn't catch it right away. To coordinate the three new appliances in the kitchen (me points at the missus here), we went with the stainless steel version (silver on the front, black on the sides, the dishwasher being black and the stove being mostly silver). The installers had to take the fridge doors off their hinges to get it in the house. I saw the black sides, and stopped paying attention. That is, until seeing the BLACK doors re-attached.

To get it straightened out, it took me a bit of hunting. Eventually I found the model number of the stainless version, on Sear's site, where it was on sale for the price they'd charged us for the erroneous black one! After a call Lowes agreed to the pricematch and bring the correct fridge Tuesday, with the other units to be installed thereafter.

The new fridge was swapped out on Tuesday. It didn't do my back much good to be swapping food back and forth between coolers and fridges. On the other hand, at least I didn't have to take time off for all this hoo-haw. The other 2 were scheduled for later in the week.

During each of the scheduling calls I told them I didn't care when they came so long as they were done by 2, so I could fulfill my duties as Luc's afternoon taxi service. Out by 2, got it? Yessir! Naturally, the installers show up at 1pm on Thursday. It didn't really matter as the range/stove had a big ol' divot out of it's metal front and the hinges on the dishwasher were bent in such a manner that it wouldn't even fit into the space the old one had occupied. (Also, the gas line that was supposed to have been run under our kitchen when our furnace was installed...didn't actually exist. Furthermore, that 220 outlet for our electric stove wouldn't run the electronics of the new stove which only requires 110 to keep itself hoppin'.) It was pretty comical especially after the mess with the refrigerators.

Before they left (to return next Tuesday), A-1 Installers - the folks Lowes hires - was kind enough to give us an estimate for running the gas line from our furnace for ~$600, plus permit costs etc.. Not a bad mark-up for around 30 feet of pipe and some labor. Meanwhile Lowes had heard about the continuing debacle and was very apologetic. They offered to upgrade the dishwasher to a Bosch. (The jury is really still out on whether this is much of an upgrade. It's a more reputable brand, but it's from their econo-line.) Eventually we decided to go with it, and set about getting ready for Tuesday.

We called a couple places to see about estimates on the electricity and/or gas lines. Apparently no one wanted our money bad enough to get off their @sses and come take a look. Eventually I got an electrician friend of ours who does a little work on the side to knock out the electrical work Saturday morning. (Not a big deal, swap out the breaker in the panel, and put a different outlet in the wall at the other end. But still, on a Saturday and on short notice?! THANKS ANDY!!!) After reading up on the finer points of running gas pipes, and checking out the hardware Lowes had in stock, I was pretty sure we could run the line ourselves so long as I didn't have to cut the pipes or tap / die all the threading required to screw 'em together.

Around $200 in gear and materials (at commercial prices, not contractor rates) and Sat. evening & Sun. morning knocking it out, the pipes were up and leak free! When A-1 rolled in Tuesday, there was a rather puzzled look on the installer's face when he saw that lil' gas pipe header poking through the floor. I'm sure he was expecting to be there all day running that! I thought about saying it had been there all along, and we'd just missed it somehow. :P

I guess I'm being a little cynical or pessimistic; each time A-1 had sent a different crew and this time, they sent a couple of black guys. My suspicion is that by now I had a rep for being a pain in the @ss, AND they were expecting their guys to get stuck for the day installing gas lines so they sent these poor guys. Maybe it's just how this year has gone and all the glasses are looking half-empty to me. (Or maybe they're really the most courteous and professional of their installers!) Anyhow, they were real nice, the installations went without a hitch this time and they didn't charge me for a piece of cord the previous guys hadn't mentioned we would be needing and that they usually charge for.

Now, if you're keeping score that's a different model refrigerator, a different make and model dishwasher, and although it was the same stove, its serial number doesn't match the original receipt. Remember me mentioning that extended warranty? Heh. While I was in Lowes getting the pipes and stuff over the weekend, I stopped by the Customer Services desk and sorta ran all this by a couple of the girls there. About halfway through, the started getting this cross-eyed look...said they'd work on it while I did my shopping. Even better, I went back to the appliance section and mentioned all this to the salesperson who'd started all this to begin with. While Margaret was waiting with our kiddo in the appliance section, she happened to notice the stove was on sale for $100 cheaper than it had been last week, just to make this more of a challenge for them. By the time all the pipe had been cut to order per my measurements, and threaded, the girls had come up with 2 individual receipts showing the return and new sale of 2 of the appliances. They said, once the installations were complete, they'd be able to adjust the price on the stove, otherwise they'd have to cancel its installation and start over. W/e.

So. Everything's installed and working great. When Lowes called to make sure, I said, yes I'm okay with the appliances but still need the price adjusted on the range/stove and still want a single receipt showing the 3 correct appliances together on the tag with the extended warranty. Sorry to be a stickler, but I know how 3rd parties work when it's 5 years down the road and you're looking to get them to actually perform. Can you imagine trying to explain all of the above to some customer service phone rep in India? HAHAHAHA, man. I'd love to be a fly on the wall while someone else tried it.

Just when everything was getting ironed out, it got one better: while reading the two separate receipts I got during the weekend, one of them wasn't even in my name! One said 'Nick H----, one said some other random dude. It did look like his card was getting billed for the dishwasher, so I'm really curious to see what that first statement for the Lowes card looks like! Anyhow, she said she had to get one of her specialist to get help her with that. I got a call right before closing time saying she'd not got it finished and will call me tomorrow. I'm imagining I'm going to have to go down there. Would you want a big hairy weirdo freak all up in your grill about all of the above? I'm guessing they won't either.

-------Thanks for stoppin' by.-Nick H.

honestly....

Did a search for "Climb Inside My World" the Ren & Stimpy Belly Button Song and some guy had it but w/ the lyrics transcribed a bit wrong... I have this on my mp3 player, so pretty sure it goes as follows:

Rainbow cinnamon gumdrop,
Lemon and purple people are a plastic mystery,
Dayglo bubblegum porkchop,
Lilac lady will go down in history.

(Chorus)
Climb inside my world,
Climb inside my belly button bean-bag plastic world!

Bean-cheese bell bottom mind games,
Pigpen Henry drinks his prune juice everyday,
Tie-dye businessmen snowflake,
Rubber man bouncing down a mushroom gravy highway.

Climb inside my world,
Climb inside my belly button bean-bag plastic world!

Saffron teabag perogi,
Parsley panda has a pepperoni pocket comb,
Pipebag dripped with lasagne,
Meatloaf monkey drives a moon-beam motor home.

Climb inside my world,
Climb inside my belly button bean-bag plastic world!

-----
pretty obscure song... from the last season of Ren & Stimpy when most of the shows weren't worth watching as they'd long since kicked John K. to the curb and used up all his scripts. This was a random episode featuring Gilbert Gottfried as 'Jerry the Bellybutton Elf' (aka Bathornos, Lord of Chaos) that is just bizarre. Song is a trip too.

-------
Thanks for stoppin' by.

-Nick H.

Thanks Fedex

FedEx Ground did a good one on me. Was kind of amusing... I knew the package was out on the truck to be delivered, and towards the end of the day when I figured it should have arrived, I double-checked tracking to find that it had already been delivered. Eh? wtf?! I checked out front to see if it had been left there. Nope. Came back in and checked the delivery info and even got to see the digitized signature of whomever had my nifty new pc. When I called Fedex, they told me oh yeah it had been delivered at such and such time to such and such place.

"Interesting you delivered it there" says I "considering that doesn't really match the address it was sent to."

"Hmm..."

I got a phone call first thing the next morning from the local manager apologizing and promising to track down the package. I let him and Dell know that I had no intention of accepting an open package should they recover it from the errant recipient.

To Dell's credit, they got a replacement built and overnighted out to me in just over a week. Considering it's the holiday season, that's not bad turnaround for a problem that wasn't their fault. The new machine smokes too.




-------
Thanks for stoppin' by.

-Nick H.